Jacob rent his clothes, put sackcloth on his loins, and observed mourning for his son many days.
All his sons and daughters sought to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted, saying, “No, I will go down mourning to my son in Sheol.” Thus his father bewailed him.
ימים רבים MANY DAYS — twenty-two years (Genesis Rabbah 84:20) — from the time he left him until Jacob went down to Egypt. For it is said, (v. 2) “Joseph was seventeen years old” (when all these events happened), and he was thirty years old when he stood before Pharaoh; seven years of plenty and two years of famine had passed by the time Jacob came to Egypt — making in all 22 years. These correspond to the 22 years during which Jacob had not practised the duty of honouring his parents (that is, the period during which he did not reside with them and attend to their needs) (Megillah 17a): viz., the twenty years he stayed in Laban’s house and the two years on the journey when he was returning from Laban’s house — one and a half year at Succoth and six months at Bethel. This is what he meant when he said to Laban (31:41) “These twenty years that I have been in thy house are לי” — they are for me — the responsibility for them lies upon me (לי being taken as עלי) and at sometimes I shall be punished for a period equal to them.
וימאן להתנחם BUT HE REFUSED TO COMFORT HIMSELF — A person does not accept consolation for one living whom he believes to be dead, for with regard to the dead it is decreed that he be forgotten from the heart, but it is not so decreed with regard to the living (Genesis Rabbah 84:20).
Rav said, and some say that Rav Shmuel bar Marta said: Studying Torah is greater and more important than building the Temple. A proof of this is that for as long as Baruch ben Neriah was alive in Babylonia, Ezra, who was his disciple, did not leave him and go up to Eretz Yisrael to build the Temple.
Rabba said that Rav Yitzḥak bar Shmuel bar Marta said: Studying Torah is greater and more important than honoring one’s father and mother, and a proof of this is that for all those years that our father Jacob spent in the house of Eber and studied Torah there he was not punished for having neglected to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s parents. As the Master said:
And from where do we derive that Jacob was not punished for the fourteen years that he was in the house of Eber, during which time he failed to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s parents? As it is taught in a baraita: It turns out that Joseph was away from his father for twenty-two years, just as Jacob our father was away from his own father for that same period of time. According to the previous calculation, however, the baraita is difficult, as Jacob was absent for thirty-six years. Rather, conclude from here that the fourteen years that he was in the house of Eber are not counted, as he was not punished for them.
וישלח יצחק את יעקב, “Yitzchak sent Yaakov, etc. Here the question arises that seeing Yaakov left his father’s home at the command of his parents, why do the sages claim that the separation of 22 years which Yaakov experienced from his son Joseph was due to his failure to observe the commandment of honouring father and mother during that period? (compare Megillah 17) Perhaps we must assume that his parents had meant for him to marry Leah and to return home forthwith when his father would send for him. Yaakov, however, had set his mind on marrying Rachel on account of her beauty; he was therefore not fulfilling a parental command by doing so and his delay in returning home was accounted against him. In fact, he had volunteered to serve seven years for Rachel (Genesis 29,18).
Yaakov did not fulfill honoring one’s father and mother. You might ask: Why was he punished for this? Yitzchak and Rivkah commanded him to go there and take a wife! Rabbeinu Bechaye answers in Parshas Toldos (28:1): They intended for him to marry Leah and return immediately. But he desired Rochel because of her beauty and said, “I will work for you seven years for Rochel” (29:18). Thus, all the time he spent there was his own choice. (Kitzur Mizrachi)
If a father wants to serve his son, it is permissible to accept [it] from him, unless the father is a Torah personality (ben Torah). A student who wants to go to another place since he is sure that he will see a sign of blessing in his learning in front of the teacher who is there - but his father protests to him, since he is worried that the idolaters in that city libel [the Jews] - does not need to listen to his father about this.Gloss: And likewise, if a father protests [his] son marrying a certain woman whom the son wants, he does not need to listen to the father (Maharik, Root 167).
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